Midlife Mastery Journal

I'm Sure I'm Terminally Unique

"I just know I'm the only one in the world who feels this way!" Somehow, the feelings of guilt over your (real or imagined) failures, the confusion and fears that haunt you over decisions (big or small), the barely-controllable urges to run away or get drunk or high or just go wild, all conspire together to convince you that nobody else could possibly understand how you feel. Being with family or friends just makes things worse, doesn't it? Both their joys and their sorrows make you feel even more disconnected, separate, alone. Once again, you're the only one who could appreciate how you feel.

If you were to go even deeper and really notice what was going on, you'd discover that even you don't appreciate or accept what you're feeling. Either you try looking around at people who are 'worse off' than you, and that makes you feel like you're making a big deal out of nothing. Or, you start counting your blessings to remind youself just how fortunate you are (especially compared with those who are less fortunate than you); this just makes you feel like you're being ungrateful. So now, on top of feeling alone, you either feel guilty that your feelings are so strong, yet your problems are so small, or you feel ashamed that you feel so bad while you've got it so good. Once again, you're absolutely, positively the only one. You're terminally unique.

Can You Win the Uphill Midlife Battle?

'The more things change, the more they stay the same.' Have you ever had that thought? Have you also noticed that, the harder you push to change the way things are, the less progress you seem to make? Although this experience isn't confined to guys passing through midlife (it's a common experience for anyone motivated to implement change), for most people, the midlife transition, buy its very nature, takes the option out of change. Midlife elevates change from a want ('I'd really like to . . .' ) to a need ('I've got to . . . '). At other times, and in other situations, there are plenty of ways to avoid having to deal with change as a necessity. At midlife, such avoidance has consequences, and some of them can be serious.

Sadly, our cultural expectations about how men are 'supposed' to think, feel and behave (refusing advice, help or support) put many guys into an emotional bind: on one hand, they confront their current path as heading nowhere; on the other hand, they lack the tools to discover or choose other viable options. As a result, the more indepent-minded a man may be, the more likely he is to adopt avoidance techniques — any of a number of self-destructive addictive behaviors — rather than surrender his cherished self-reiiance and to admit vulnerability. The resutls, if not disastrous, can result in a great deal of unnecessary pain and suffering, not only for him, but also especially for those who truly care about him.

How Much Are You Leaving Behind?

One of the 'features' of entering into the midlife transition happens to be the dawning realization of just how tenuous our connection to this plane of existence really is. I fondly remember evenings as a student in Ottawa, Ontario spent at the Colonel Bye lounge enjoying the comedy of entertainer Jack McPartland. More than once, I'd stay until the end of his set. He'd always end the same way: with the recitation of a poem called "The Indispensable Man," yet it means much more to me now than it ever did then. Here it is for your edification:

Sometime when you're feeling important, sometime when your ego's in bloom,
Sometime when you feel that you must be the most important one in the room,
Take a bucket and fill it with water, put your hand in it up to your wrist,
Pull it out and the hole that's remaining is the measure of how you'll be missed.

You can splash all you want as you enter, you can stir up the water galore,
Pull it out and its really amazing, the hole is remaining no more.
The moral of my story is simple, do the best at whatever you can,
But always be sure to remember, there's no indispensable man.

Attention Speakers, Presenters and Trainers!

Have I got a treat for you!

I want to introduce you to a couple of very special people. I've been working with two amazing mentors this past year named Justin Livingston and Callan Rush who run an organization called Leaders to Luminaries. I recently came back from their home base in Vancouver where I was participating in one of their live programs.

They've been showing me the fastest, most cost effective and value-centered way to build my speaking and training business quickly and easily so I can help loads of people while making a lot of money doing it.

If you are interested in leading live events, I want to let you know about a no-cost conference call they're hosting on Tuesday of next week called, "The Top 3 Mistakes Most Speakers and Trainers Make That Keep Their Event Rooms Empty".

If you click on the link below and you'll get access to the call (and/or the call recording) at no charge.

http://www.magnetizeyouraudience.com/welcome.php?af=827824

A Message from Your Empty Nest

If you've married, then I think it's safe to assume that, at some point in your journey, you thought you'd found the perfect partner. I don't have to be clairvoyant to say that, sooner or later along that same journey, you were disappointed. You might think that this disappointment that comes into every relationship arises only because 'love is blind,' as they say. You'll find, if you examine the phenomenon more closely, that that reasoning winds up being way too simplistic an excuse. Nor can you honestly say that you've 'fallen out of love' with your partner, nor that your partner has changed and become a stranger to you (short of a personality change caused by an illness or injury).

The origins of whatever disappointment you may be experiencing in your primary relationship most likely begin with you. Here's a simple experiment that you can make to prove my point. It's most important that you follow these instructions without looking ahead to the next paragraph. First, list the three people you know of who most inspire you; they can be living or dead, real or fictional. Now, for each of these people, write down a list of words that describe what it is that you most admire in each person. Once you've completed that, circle a few of the words that describe the characteristics that, among all of these, you admire the most. When you've completed these steps, you may continue to the next paragraph.

Update (August 27, 2008)

To My Midlife Mastery Readers:

Because "Change is the only constant," I've decided to expand the Midlife Mastery blog to include updates, events, and messages that I think you'd like to be aware of. Most of our postings will continue to focus on midlife issues, but I'd also like to have an outlet where I can present some special announcements that I think might be of interest to my readers. To mark this expansion of my services on www.MidlifeMaster.net, I've adjusted the name from "Midlife Mastery Blog" to "Midlife Mastery Journal." In addition, you can expect to see more frequent and varied postings.

Thanks for your interest in Midlife Mastery, and I hope you'll find that these recent changes will increase the value that you already find here.

H. Les Brown, MA, FCC
Copyright © 2008 H. Les Brown

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Over 30 Need Not Apply

                                                                                                      

Ko-Ko.

Are you old enough to marry, do you think?             Won't you wait till you are eighty in the shade?             There's a fascination frantic             In a ruin that's romantic;             Do you think you are sufficiently decayed?

Katisha.

To the matter that you mention             I have given some attention,             And I think I am sufficiently decayed.

Ever since I was exposed to the operettas of Gilbert and Sullivan back in junior high school (that was before middle schools were invented), I've had an enduring love for The Mikado: the music, the dialog, and especially the unforgettably silly characters. I was privileged to see a performance of The Mikado by the D'Oyle Carte Opera Comapny in their home theater in London (before its demise in 1982 after over a century of Gilbert and Sullivan performances). The tragi-comic figure of Katisha (the character who put the 'old' in 'old maid'), in this passage being wooed by Ko-Ko (the Lord High Executioner who faces a choice of marriage to Katisha or death), serves as a stark contrast to the young, star-crossed lovers: the beautiful Yum-Yum (betrothed to Ko-Ko) and the handsome minstrel, Nanki-Poo (the emperor's son in disguise, condemned to death for flirting). It all gets very complicated. Today, it's so much simpler with online dating: "ISO ['in search of'] 18-29". Over 30 need not apply. Who knew that the slogan "Don't trust anyone over 30" would shape the world of online dating decades later?

Getting from Child-ish to Child-like

The myth of the happy childhood hides a sad truth: that one of the principal effects of 'education' seems to be the process of 'disillusionment'. I call this process 'sad', but, in fact, it's more like 'tragic'. In early childhood, youngsters are more closely aligned with their inner destiny than perhaps at any other time of their lives. Once this vision — essentially a spiritual kind of knowledge — has been lost, it may or may not ever be regained. And yet, our educational system seems to approach the intuitive nature of young people as 'just daydreaming' or 'fantasy'. Yet, perhaps the greatest challenge of midlife rests in attempting to enable the adult (the 'educated' child) to recapture his or her initial, primitive life vision. Without a sense of the person you're called to be how will you ever be able to replace the life vision and goals that midlife exposes as empty and disingenuous?

You and I were literally educated to disregard our deepest sentiments, and trained to want what everyone else has . . . and more. The kind of 'reality' that we're shown from our earliest years, a reality where marketing to promote the desire for acquisition overshadows all other values, produces adults locked into a childish 'me-centered' world. Creative people find themselves classified as 'dreamers' and crticized as 'unrealistic'. Those who have been gifted with extraordinary talents (like spiritual discernment or extra-sensory knowledge) fare even worse. They are most often ridiculed by their peers (with adult encouragement) and threatened with psychological 'correction' unless and until they abandon their 'errant imaginations.' You and I have been victims of a system that taught us to ignore, disregard, and disparage our own deepest sense of self. The extent of this damage only really appears at midlife, when the artifice of 'adulthood' begins to play itself out.

The Arts Are a Waste of Time

This is an era of ever-tightening budgets and precarious performance in students' basic skills. It's an era of 'No Child Left Behind', although very many still are. Many inner-city schools are in disrepair, school supplies are hard to come by, and teachers are generally ridiculously under-paid (and often have to donate classroom supplies out of their own pockets). When push comes to shove, the school budgets get pared down along with nearly everything else. What does that say about us?

Actually, the state of education in the US bears eloquent testimony to our practical values. I say 'practical values' to distinguish them from our 'theoretical values', which are far different. Theoretically, we value hard work, education, moral rectitude, the flag, mom, and apple pie. In practice, we value entertainment. That's what we spend most of our thoughts, time, and wealth on. Entertainment heads up this list of our practical national values because that's what we worry most about.

Loving the Man in the Mirror

Every day you live, you collect stuff. Just imagine the sheer volume of information that passes into your psyche every day, from what you see, what you read, what you experience, what you think, what you do (consciously or unconsciously), and the decisions you make. Every second — awake or asleep — you're (in the words of that old Kodak commercial) 'makin' memories.' Your senses, your emotions, your intellect, your imagination, your judgment: they're all working together to inform you about your world and, therefore, about yourself. If you were a giant hard drive, you'd quickly run out of memory.

Is it any wonder, then, that the further we progress into the midlife experience, the longer it takes us to process all this 'stuff'? Psychologists suggest that, as time goes on, the more you learn, the more you forget. Experience suggests that, regardless of how much you forget, your learning capacity continues to expand. Like any bodily function, memory works on a 'use it or lose it' basis, yet, regardless, the older and deeper the memory, the longer-lasting it will be. Even the elderly suffering from mental deterioration (OBS) will respond positivley to childhood memories (like songs or nursery rhymes).