Midlife Mastery Journal

Facing the Financial Crunch

Economist and Washington Post columnist Steven Pearlstein wrote this morning that most of those who are in charge of the governing of the world's economy just don't 'get it:' they've underestimated the severity of the economic crisis that's in the process of swallowing up the world's financial markets. I'm no economist: in fact, although I have a passing understanding about how money works (I know my 'credits' from my 'debits'), I haven't a clue when it comes down to knowing why anything works the way it does. I can't explain the niceties (a very ironic term, under the circumstances) of how and why it all happened, but I do read, and I think I 'get it.' That 'it' under the circumstances has a huge impact on you: those of you who are facing or experiencing the midlife transition. It's you and your future that just got thrown under the bus.

As of now, 'doing everything right' no longer ensures that, when the smoke has cleared, you're going to have anything like the future that you've envisioned. The rules no longer apply; that's because for years the people who were in charge of the rules thought that they weren't important. Yet, you and I and the vast majority of the people reading this didn't readily grasp that when some of the rules no longer apply, all the rules come into question. 'Playing by the rules' and investing wisely only makes sense when 'the rules' actually apply. Once that's gone, what's to play by? Let's take a quick look at what middle aged (and post-middle aged) people may be facing for the next decade or more.

The Young Adult and the Ostrich

Once upon a time, there was a man. Although he was still young, he was an extraordinary man in many ways. Yet, in spite of his many talents and successes, he was very much like the other men of his age: he didn't want to hear bad news. So, he did the same things he saw all the other men around him doing. He had questions, but he didn't ask them. He had doubts, but he didn't talk about them. He felt dissatisfied, so, he started to do all the things he saw his friends doing that made them seem very happy. But, for him, it didn't work. The more successes he had and the more he filled up his life, the more dissatisfied he felt. He was sure that he was the only one in the world who felt the way he did. He didn't know that other people felt the same way, because he was afraid to ask.

Although this may at first sound like the opening paragraph of one of Grimm's Fairy Tales (pun intended), regrettably, it's more like one of Aesop's Fables. There is certainly a moral attached which, just to add to the cultural soup here, I'll quote from the Pennsylvania Dutch: "You're too soon old, and too late smart!" There's a wonderful freshness to youthful optimism, isn't there? We definitely need to have the 'never-say-die' attitude on our team to get us through the rough spots. I make sure that I pay equal attention to the optimists as well as the pessimists in our midst. At the same time, as someone on this side of the midlife transition, I make sure that I do pay attention to those pessimists. I can no longer afford to bury my head in the sand.

The (Aging) Parent Trap

"Nothing's certain but death and taxes," they say. I have to ask, "What's so certain about death and taxes?" The only certitude that we really have is that stuff will happen: some of it enjoyable, some of it painful, some of it avoidable, most of it not. There's an aspect of midlife that becomes painfully obvious once you've entered into it: people you know . . . and people you love . . . begin to fall ill and die. The stuff that happens in life in life remains incredibly unpredictable, and yet, just as a matter of statistics, the longer you live, the more painful experiences you'll have around those you know and/or love.

If you're on good terms with your parents, and if you're blessed with having them with you as you go through the midlife transition, you'll begin to experience that well-known role-reversal as they become less able to care for themselves adequately and you become more capable of becoming a care-giver. Even if your parents retain their strength, acuity, and vitality as they age, eventually their decreasing independence and your increasing capacity for responsibility will necessarily intersect. Under those circumstances — which are the very best you can hope for — you will be called upon to become a care-giver. At very least, your sense of vigilance toward them will be heightened: like your children, you know that they need their independence, yet you feel responsible for keeping them safe at the same time.

Exit Plan or Shot In The Dark?

About fifteen years ago, I was unemployed for about six months. To be honest, it wasn't exactly my finest hour. I had plenty of speaking and counseling experience (from my time in the ministry), but I had no 'official' training nor a license to practice. I had experience in tech writing and software design and programming, but then not enough background and training to land the kind of job I needed — or, really, any job at all. As my modest bank account steadily evaporated and, despite all my efforts, no leads materialized, I was grasping at straws. I scrutinized my training and experience looking for something, anything, I was qualified to do. I was over-educated, under-experienced, and both under- and over-qualified for work. I didn't just fall through the crack, I dropped like a rock.

My odd set of job skills and experience, together with my inexperience with the whole job search process, left me in an odd, but not altogether unusual, position. I had no idea of what I wanted to be doing. By the time that number of months had passed, I was ready to take just about anything that came along. As fate (or humiliation) would have it, I was hired back at my old job before I actually had to start flipping burgers. Two things became abundantly clear to me from that experience: 1) while you're employed, develop and actively pursue an exit strategy; and, 2) take the time and energy to figure out your passion. You'll never accomplish anything at a job that doesn't suit you.

Tell Me, What Does It All Mean?

Would you like to know what the essence and the root cause of the midlife crisis is? Would you like me to let you in on the Big Secret? Actually, it's not really a secret at all, but it is BIG. The infamous midlife crisis is nothing more (and nothing less) than a crisis in meaning. My personal background includes a lot of time spent researching Western philosophy and theology. From the outset, I've been consumed by a curiosity to know, "What does it all mean?" Like it or not, accept it or reject it, embrace it or run from it, that's what makes the midlife transition so life-shattering: it brings you face to face with the Question of all questions.

Not everyone can look this question dead-on in the eye and face the answer that emerges from the darkness and confusion. After all, by the time this question emerges, decades of life have already passed full of comfortable assumptions. You've assumed you knew where you came from, where you are, and where you're going. Yet, once the Question steps up and stares you in the face, all other bets are off. What seemed like a rock-solid foundation you could stand on with confidence and security suddenly reveals itself as quicksand masquerading as solid ground. Having the courage to ask, "What does it all mean?" does more than take you to a deeper level of understanding; it signals a paradigm shift of huge proportions.

How Not to Beat Yourself Up

I want to open by complementing you on your sense of responsibility. I know that I'm talking to the right person, because anyone who is concerned enough about midlife issues to be reading about it has to have a well-developed sense of responsibility and concern for their own (and their loved ones') sense of well-being. So, congratulations for taking good care of yourself and those you love.

That having been said . . . let me throw out a word of caution to you: it's very important — especially during the midlife transition — to avoid the extremes of responsibility. This isn't an idle warning, either, because going to extremes is one of the hallmarks of the dreaded midlife crisis. Now's the time you need to be steering a careful course between Scylla and Charybdis, between the rock and the hard place.

As often happens, both extremes, hyper-responsibility or hyper-irresponsibility, may be opposite sides of the same coin. When you're tempted to let yourself go wild, or especially when you've yield to that temptation, a guilty conscious can drive you to become overly responsible, blaming yourself for the wreckage that you see building up around you. This is a good time for some seriously grounded self-talk.

Vision Correction as a Metaphor for Midlife

Yesterday I went for my biennial eye exam. I had all the drops and the blinding equipment scanning my cornea and retina. I read the charts so often that I had the bottom line memorized by the time I was finished: O V T C Z 2. Naturally, my eyes were a little worse than they were two years ago, a quarter diopter on the right side, a half on the left. It's part of growing older; it started when I was a teen (my distance vision got all fuzzy), shifted when I was in midlife (I could see fine at a distance but needed the infamous drugstore glasses to read) and now God knows what's going on in there (multifocal contacts work wonders: 20/15 now). Additionally, there are cataracts starting. Ugh.

Vision changes are such an emblematic part of the aging process. Even people with perfect eyesight when they were young now, at midlife, have trouble seeing clearly without some sort of correction. We somehow need to start being less self-reliant as our vision begins to shift. Denial works only so long. For those too proud or vain to accept help, eventually it becomes obvious to everybody that your eyesight is changing and you just can't read the fine print. Then there comes the nervous little laugh as you pull out the readers from your inside jacket pocket when the menu in the dim light of the romantic restaurant becomes totally illegible. Sooner or later, reality strikes.

57% of Layoffs Occur in Middle Age

Even though the information (from the Center for Research on Organizational & Managerial Excellence) may be a little dated, the basic truth behind the facts reported in a 2003 survey from Texas remain very relevant. If you're between 30 and 50, you have an almost 60% chance of being targeted during a layoff.

We can only speculate as to the reasons for your increased vulnerability during midlife. One reason may be that you've amassed sufficient experience and longevity to be significantly more expensive to employ than younger men. Another reason may be that you haven't been employed long enough to have achieved sufficient value or seniority for the company to need to keep you on, nor are you old enough that you might expose the company to charges of age discrimination. For whatever reason, when you hit midlife and you're just thinking that you're reaching your peak, your company thinks that you're most expendible. It's sad, but true.

The Threat of Abundance

I am a very fortunate guy . . . I really should say that I'm extremely blessed. I live in a modest but lovely home in a summer resort one mile from a beautiful beach. I'm have a relationship that's stable and loving with a level of communication and mutual appreciation and understanding that's continually deepening. I don't make very much money, but I have work that's engaging and fulfilling and keeps me in contact with an ever-expanding circle of friends and acquaintances around this country, and in various other countries both on this continent and in Europe. I have good friends. I have good health. In terms of what any human being could want out of life, I pretty much have it all, and I'm extremely grateful for all of it.

For as long as I can remember, I've been convinced that at the core of whatever success I may enjoy in life lies an intimate connection to a Higher Power. I have learned — sometimes through painful experience — that maintaining that connection is the sine qua non of all the other beneficial aspects that give my life the meaning and direction . . . and the benefits . . . that I so enjoy. And yet, the stresses and preoccupations of that life often become so intrusive that I find myself without the time or opportunity for prayer and meditation. When it's missing, I feel it. Nothing horrible happens: the world doesn't come crashing down around my ears. Yet, the inner focus that I've so come to depend on gradually blurs until I feel like the demands and stresses of life are starting to pull me apart from the inside.

Avoid Uncertainty at Your Own Risk

Of all the columnists in The Washington Post, one of my favorites is Shankar Vedantam who writes "Department of Human Behavior." He's not only a good, clear writer, his research is excellent, and he has no axes to grind. He tells it like it is. In his recent column entitled "The Power of Political Misinformation," he explores how information affects different types of people. When exposed to misinformation, people with more traditionally conservative views tend to believe it more readily than people with more liberal approaches. The fascinating part happens when evidence is later produced that contradicts the misinformation. Liberal thinkers tend to return to a belief only slightly more negative than what they originally held. Those with a conservative viewpoint actually became more negative.

How does this apply to guys going through the midlife transition? Since the mechanism behind this unexpected behavior is directly linked to a person's comfort level in dealing with levels of uncertainty, I think that we can expect these tendencies to be strongest during midlife, when external uncertainties only exacerbate the internal uncertainties that run wild during this period of life. When your emotional world is already being turned on its head, what could you expect other than a frantic grab for more certainty from those who are fundamentally fear-based?