A little over a month ago, I had one of those 'milestone' birthdays . . . you know the kind . . . they're the ones that end in a '0'. It didn't bother me too much this time. Actually, I felt rather good about reaching that age at a time when people are saying, "You're kidding! You're that old?" So, although this was certainly a milestone, it wasn't really a 'biggie' for me. For whatever reason, the 'biggie' was the BIG FIVE-O. That one hit me more than just a glancing blow. To be honest with you, I'm not entirely sure why that was. I'm wondering if one reason wasn't that, no matter how you slice it, that probably marked a watershed point in my life. Who knows, but it's highly likely that, at that time, I had more of life behind me than before me.
In the course of my gathering experience to share with you about midlife, one fact has become abundantly clear: nobody knows exactly when midlife occurs. When I asked people to define midlife, I got a broad range of answers. One person said that midlife was that period "between ages 35 and 55" (quite a reasonable guess, I think), while someone else suggested "60 to 80" (maybe this person hopes to live to about 150). Most people didn't quote any dates; they simply referred to a period that ushered in a second (and several said 'better') half of life. Must we leave the question unanswered?
Possibly, we need to be reminded that we have no idea when the actual watershed point of life will happen. We can only pinpoint it from the outside, and even then only in retrospect. My parents passed away in their mid-eighties, but none of us realized that when we celebrated their 42nd, 43rd, or 44th birthdays, we were, in fact wishing them bon voyage on the latter half of their lives' journeys. The point of this, of course, that we never know (and that's just as well). Aren't we giving way too much significance to a point in time? What difference does it make, after all? Why should any date be considered a 'watershed' point, or any time of life be characterized as 'over the hill'? Whether you live to be 20 or 120 matters very little compared to what you're able to accomplish in the time you have. I'd like to suggest that, if you've developed the mindset that says that at any point in your life's progress you're 'over the hill,' you've set yourself up to fail.
Keep in mind the well-publicized fact that Harland "Colonel" Sanders started Kentucky Fried Chicken at age 65 with $100 from his Social Security check. In contrast, world-renowned theoretical physicist, Stephen Hawking, was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) in his mid-twenties; yet he has contributed more to cosmology than perhaps any single person since Einstein. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart died (perhaps of rheumatic fever) at the age of 35, one of the most prolific and influential composers of all time. I could go on indefinitely with examples of people whose lives have been both long and short, but have made significant contributions to humanity. I could create an equally long list of those who, despite the length or shortness of their lives have contributed little of any real significance.
Here's my very important point: regardless of what chronological age you are, you're only 'over the hill' if you decide that you are. You have whatever significant accomplishments you decide that you're going to have waiting for you in your future. The choice remains yours, and it has tremendous significance, not only for you, but for the world that you'll be leaving behind you, as well. You may never see the results of what you do, but everything you do (for good or ill) changes the course of human history. If you think that one person can't make a difference, then you've defined 'making a difference' wrongly. Not only can you make a difference, you do make a difference, whether you want to or not, whether you decide to or not. In fact, you have no choice in the matter. The only question that remains is, 'What kind of difference will you make?'
The attitude that suggests that, at any given point in your life, you're 'over the hill' and life has passed you by represents not only a defeatist attitude, it's also childish. It's an attitude that says, 'I can't do all the things I want to do when I want to do them, so now I won't do anything at all!' As the less important, external, physical trappings of youth begin to fall away, and you're invited to go inward to seek — and find — the core meaning and purpose for your life, you have a choice. You can either waste your time getting upset about the passing away of characteristics that matter little in the long run, or you can accept the invitation and get to work creating an incredible future for yourself. Only a childish person would sacrifice the happiness he or she can't yet see in mourning for a superficial enjoyment whose time has passed.
Once again, the midlife transition emerges not as a challenge that's difficult to endure, but it's there as a continuing invitation to grow up, to detach from the superficial, to get down to business and go deep. Find out what this thing called 'life' is all about. Immerse yourself in it. Take it to heart as a set of unimaginable possibilities that you'll never be able to exhaust, no matter how long or hard you may live. The lesson of midlife is so simple: it's not how long you live that matters, it's how well!
H. Les Brown, MA, FCC
Copyright © 2008 H. Les Brown
Great points, Les,
My first husband died when he was 43, after a 7 year fight with cancer. He always said he'd rather live to be over the hill, than find himself under it!
You ask: "What kind of difference can we make?" I love that thought.
After all, it's all in our attitude! Personally, I love the concept of living life "full-tilt" until the very end...
Posted by: Anne Holmes | September 04, 2008 at 12:09 AM
My sentiments exactly! I'm convinced that midlife is just a state of mind, and that we find it difficult only because we're not in touch with what's really happening. In my book, the only tragedy of midlife is giving up on it.
-Les
Posted by: Les Brown | September 04, 2008 at 07:42 AM