Midlife Mastery Journal

Repent! The End is Near! (3)

Here we are, experiencing New Year's Eve. We're thinking about kissing 2008 good-bye (and, perhaps, good riddance). Most likely, we're looking forward to tomorrow and a new beginning. I say, "Most likely," because, as a person having to deal with midlife, you may also have some other thoughts on your mind today. Are you thinking, perhaps, about the aches and pains that you have today that you didn't have at this time last year? Have you noticed that you can't lift as much weight as you used to (except around your gut, of course) and that your stack of 'skinny pants' is either growing larger or you're making ever more frequent trips to Goodwill with them? Were you attending more funerals last year of classmates, friends and relatives in your own peer group than ever before? Are you starting to think that the Grim Reaper has a target painted somewhere on you?

Tomorrow, perhaps, you're telling yourself that you'll start working on all those New Year's resolutions. Here's what I say: "Bah! Humbug!" Christmas isn't a humbug (as Scrooge found out), but New Year's resolutions certainly are! It's a time when all the fitness centers rake in the cash from people whom they'll never see again, come March. 12-step recovery programs see a steep increase in attendance after New Year's (which, by the way, they refer to as 'amateur night'). All the desperate cries of 'Oh, God! If you'll only get me out of this, I swear I'll never do it again!' come together in one loud chorus over the next few days. You and I want things to get better, but, in the pit of our stomachs, we have a very unsettling feeling that such may not be the case. For every year that passes, the spectre of mortality seems to loom just a little bit larger.

Repent! The End Is Near! (2)

Once more, the Grim Reaper is coming up the pathway to visit the old year, 2008. The economic forces that were put in motion over the last ten years have finally tipped the scales, particularly over the last six months. Huge corporations are dropping like flies or are begging to be propped up by the very people most hurt by their business decisions (us). Jobs that once-upon-a-time were taking flight overseas are now just evaporating as our artificially super-charged economy runs out of gas: an energy crisis of an entirely different sort than the one we were anticipating. When these things start to happen, who gets hurt the worst? Men in midlife, that's who. Merry Christmas; here's your furlough papers. Happy New Year; here's your pink slip. Happy Holidays; and, by the way, your hours are cut, your salary's reduced, your contract is being terminated. See you around!

What happens to you when you find yourself sitting at home scanning the 'Help Wanted' ads online? What's going on while you're putting the finishing touches on updating your resumé for the umpteenth time? What makes up that black cloud that seems to be swirling around you: that feeling that the world's a nasty place and it's got your number? If you really want to appreciate the reasons why facing the prospect or experiencing the fact of being unemployed can be so devastating (although 'appreciate' may not be the best word), you might want to take a look at what having a job means to you as a man at the height of your career or the pinnacle of your productive capacity. What exactly does your work or your career mean to you?

Repent! The End Is Near!

Well . . . to be honest with you, the end is near whether or not you choose to repent: the end of the year 2008, that is. We humans have a particular affinity for the ending of things: like graduations and funerals (not that there's any other similarity between the two). Yet, we mark transitions at least partly by looking backward while, at the same time, we're looking forward. That, my friends, is the nature of all change: it's a movement from something old to something new. We're transitioning from 2008 (and bidding all it held for us adieu) to 2009 with all the hope it has to offer us. Regardless of our experience with the old, we still believe in our hope for the new.

Over the last few months, I've received e-mails from a number of people — men and women — who have awakened one day to find that their spouse (in his or her mid-forties) has filed for divorce. They tell me a little about what has preceded this moment, and then comes the question: "What should I do?" As you can well imagine, there is no 'one size fits all' answer that will prove to be the 'magic bullet' that fixes everything. The road ahead is always totally dependent on the free-will choices that two individuals are going to make. Yet, as we approach the end of the calendar year, I think it wouldn't do any harm to offer some suggestions about what to do when a midlife crisis threatens to end a relationship. Here are some of the suggestions that I'd offer to anyone facing such a serious transition.

Reverse Your Downward Spiral

As I write this, 2008 is nearly over . . . only a few days are left and then: out with the old, in with the new. Of course, this 'old' and 'new' stuff is all just our invention, as is the arbitrary point in time when we mark the change of the year (by the time we hit the stroke of 12:00 PM on New Year's Eve, our planet will already be ten days into its next full cycle around the sun). For as long as humans have been around, we've been marking the changes of seasons and years, pretending that we're a part of a never-ending cycle of birth, growth, flowering, decline and death. So once again, we get ready to meet another New Year's Day and another new beginning and start the cycle all over again. Only, when we think this way, we're being more than slightly delusional. You see, regardless of how it seems, there are no cycles in our universe. When we see cycles, it's only because we're taking a two-dimensional view of our three-dimensional world.

The universe is expanding, our orbit around the sun is subtly shifting, our moon is creeping ever farther away from us as the forces of gravity act as a brake, slowing it down. The universe is not cyclical, but evolving: it's moving in a direction, from somewhere (and some-when) toward somewhere. With it, our lives evolve, too. Like old Ebeneezer Scrooge, 'We're not the men we were before.' If we look at our lives from too far above or below, we fail to see our progress, like viewing a spring from one end: it seems like an unbroken circle. It's only when we shift our perspective that we notice that the path of the spring takes it in a spiral, either upward or downward. Likewise, when you see patterns repeat in your life, you may be tempted to see them as repetitions of old lessons long learned but, in fact, they are brand new each time you revisit them because you are a different person and the world is a different place.

'Twas the Night before Christmas

And all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. There's not a person in our Western culture alive today who wasn't brought up hearing or reading Clement Clark Moore's poem from 1823, "A Visit from Saint Nicholas." Regardless of your religious beliefs and traditions, the spirit of warmth and generosity of the season can't help but touch all but the most broken of hearts. I think it's important to note that absolutely none of us has escaped life's great transitions and traumas without some woundedness and brokenness. At some level, as we pass through the transition of the year, a part of us must connect with the images of abject poverty that appear so often in the traditional seasonal stories. Despite all that we have, despite all our personal successes, there remains a corner of our soul that, especially today, needs a hug.

When I was small, we had a cat named Boots: a sturdy black fellow with pure white paws, a white nose and a white star on his chest. He was fluffy, part angora, with a plume of a tail. One day we discovered that Boots had an infection in one of his eyes. It was weeping and rather a mess. In the bathroom, my mother held Boots gently and cleaned off the signs of infection with warm water and a soft cloth. Boots struggled, but only half-heartedly. He went after my mother's hands with his claws, but was careful not to scratch. He opened his mouth to bite, but didn't sink his teeth in. At the same time that he was in pain, he know that Mom was trying to help him; so he let her know that it hurt, but never hurt her back. In a very short time, the eye healed and Boots was as good as new, but the lesson made a big impression on me.

What to Do When the Tables Are Turned

Recently, I had a question from a man who was in serious pain because . . . his wife was going through a midlife crisis. In some ways, there's nothing odd or strange about that: women and men both experience the physical and emotional changes that signal the transition from adulthood to maturity. In the vast majority of cases, though, men have a harder time with it because of the negative acculturation they've received throughout their whole lives that blocks them from getting in touch with their deeper emotions and from sharing their emotional struggles with an intimate network of friends outside of their primary relationship. With culturally-encouraged access to these critical factors, women generally have more support and more grounding that helps them keep their balance through tumultuous times.

Sometimes, unfortunately, for reasons better explained by a psychologist, the support system supply can't meet the demand, and the consequences in women parallel what we see in so many men: restlessness, irritability and discontent. This may seem like a somewhat odd reversal of roles (women showing signs of a classical male midlife crisis), but it only seems strange because of the difference in frequency of occurrence between men and women — not because there's anything inherently unusual about women having midlife crises. Even when roles have been reversed, and the male partner has enough sensitivity and social acumen to be able to cope with the personal transformations that come with midlife without turning it into a crisis, I think that the same wise counsel would be equally applicable no matter who may be having more difficulty.

Santa's Midlife Crisis

I have to confess to you all . . . publicly . . . that I've been a baaaad boy. It's nothing I've done; rather it's something I'm going to do. I'm going to write about one of my coaching clients. Ideally (as a requirement of my commitment to coaching ethics) I should never reveal the name of any of my clients (particularly celebrities) or talk to anyone about what happens between us in a coaching session. Sadly, as soon as I started to write about this fellow and you learned that he lives at the North Pole, you'd know who it was anyway. Face it: there just isn't much of a population living at the North Pole that could shield this guy from notoriety. I can't reach him right now, but I'll just have to assume that he'd give me permission to tell you about what I've learned from him in our coaching sessions. It's not pretty.

Yes, it's true: Santa is a client of mine, and he's having a rough time of it. Just put yourself in his place . . . what if you got millions of letters at the end of the year (right before the holidays), and all they did was ask you for stuff? 'Gimme this.' 'Send me that.' Not only that, after pouring over these millions of extortion letters, do you think he gets even one 'Thank you' note? Not a chance! And, even worse, he doesn't even get any Christmas Cards! Not one! And he's the guy they're all so fond of calling 'Father Christmas!' It's really quite a sad state of affairs when you think about it. He can't even complain! After all, that's not the 'saintly' thing to do. Saint Nick — talk about your unrealistic expectations! Almost nobody remembers that the whole thing started years ago when Nick was bishop of Myra and he used to filch bags of gold coins from the church bank account and go running around town in the middle of the night leaving them at the houses of young girls whose families were too poor to afford a dowry for them to keep them from being sold into prostitution. How typical . . . you start one little charity and, before you know it, you find yourself having to deliver gifts to every child in the whole world. No pressure, though!

How Do I Avoid Thee? Let Me Count The Ways!

I think that one of the biggest differences between the way women approach the midlife transition and the way men do derives from the very strong tendency that men have toward avoidance of significant midlife issues. It's also one of the biggest dangers that men face going into midlife, because it effectively prevents us from making the shifts in perception and understanding that characterize a successful midlife transition. There's a popular saying that goes: when you avoid a lesson from the universe, it will keep coming back to you until you learn it. There's a lot of truth in what 'they' say. In fact, in this case, the lessons not only keep coming back until they're learned, they get progressively worse with time and repetition. Avoidance tends to aggregate the problems, like a snowball rolling down a steep hill.

I'm sorry to have to report that I think that there are an awful lot of snowballs out there, growing at an enormous rate — especially now that all of us 'boomers' are into the midlife transition (at least). The extent of this growing epidemic is at least partially the result of the vast number of avoidance opportunities that we men have at our disposal . . . and they're growing every day. Almost anything that enhances our quality of life can also be perverted into an effective (and addictive) avoidance behavior. For example, let's take our ubiquitous computers (and related computing devices like PDF's, Blackberries and cellphones) and our consequent capacity to surf anywhere in the world for anything we desire. Push-button escapism was never so handy nor easy-to-use 24/7! Welcome to one of the newest fields of study in the universe: virtual addiction.

Where Do I Get Information on Midlife Transition?

Here's a shocker: although midlife presents the most critical transition in a man's or woman's life, you're not going to find much information 'out there' about men in midlife. In fact, you'll find most of the best information available in the sites listed on in the 'Blog Roll' on my blog home page. If you know of any other resources, please leave a comment and let me know about it: I'm always looking for new resources to make available to my readers. Your best bet for self-education would be to read everything that Jed Diamond has written. I look on him as the men's midlife guru (and I feel privileged to be associated with his work, even in a small way). The second best approach would be to join in on one of my teleseminars.

Here's your chance! My next (no-cost) teleseminar is scheduled for tonight (Wednesday, December 17) at 8:00 PM Eastern time. Don't fret if you want to join but can't make it live: the call will be recorded and will be available online almost immediately after the call. This one-hour teleseminar is entitled "The Truth about Aging: How Midlife Destroys Men's Lives" and is an introduction to the subject of men's midlife transition. It's meant for men who are feeling confused or upset about what's going on with them and for women who are having a hard time figuring out what's going on with the men in their lives. As we've mentioned many times here, midlife is no laughing matter: how you manage it will determine the quality of the remainder of your life. Don't gamble with it . . . know what you're up against. Click here to register and join us tonight: http://tinyurl.com/6lpbt3

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2008 H. Les Brown

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Change Your Partners, Dos-à-Dos

When people think of the midlife transition, most often their minds go straight to the infamous midlife crisis and the radical changes that go along with it. People change their looks, they change their jobs and — way more than is necessary — they change partners. In fact, I discovered a website dedicated to men at midlife, and it was basically all about finding the next, more perfect, woman. I haven't seen such a site for women (yet . . . but I'm sure one exists), but dumping the ill-tempered, unresponsive, unsupportive husband must be at least as popular a pastime  as dumping a nagging, controlling, intrusive wife. This living room square dance goes on day in and day out across English-speaking North America as men and women fall in love with one another and then, over time fall 'out of love.' Is any of this really necessary? Does any of this make sense?

Of course, leaving an abusive relationship is always a reasonable option when it's become unbearable or other alternatives have been exhausted. Relationships are very precious things (especially when they create new families), and nobody would recommend tossing them away lightly. We always want to give them the benefit of the doubt; but, when the doubt has been worn out, or when health and safety may be compromised, there's no question that discretion is always the better part of valor. At the same time, doesn't it seem as though many relationships end because the partners come to an impasse and they simply become too worn out to pursue them any farther? Sometimes people simply forget that 'this, too, shall pass' and they bail out too soon — only to regret it later on.