Midlife Mastery Journal

Memories for Midlife and Always

We here in the United States are celebrating our Memorial Day this weekend. It's a time when we pause to remember those who were willing to risk everything for a cause that they deeply believed in. We are a nation at war, and we remember not only those who served and died long ago, but also those who served long ago and have recently died as well as those who have recently died in service. Remembering those who have passed away is only one tiny factor in the incredible influence that our memories have: not only its influence over our own selves, but over others, over the planet and — whether or not you're prepared to hear and accept this — over the course and destiny of the universe itself.

It's important to take a few moments, as we remember those who have gone before us, to reflect, first of all, on the role that memory has to play in our lives (particularly at midlife), and then, on the role that memory has to play in determining our singular and collective future. Nearly every living organism from the single-celled upward to the most complex lving creature has the capacity to learn. Experience seems to be endemic to what it means to be a sensate being. In higher organisms, parents use this capacity to learn in order to train their offspring to behave in certain ways: to avoid seductively dangerous situations and to modify their behavior in ways that actually promote their well-being as individuals and as a species.

Involuntary Midlife Reinvention

What's the difference between reinventing yourself and starting all over again? I think there are two factors that clearly differentiate one from the other: 1) reinventing yourself consists in an act of personal volition: it's voluntary; and 2) reinvention (at least in theory) is purposeful. As for 'starting all over again' . . . it's very likely both involuntary and without a conscious goal (other than to move away from whatever unfortunate circumstance has left you in that condition). If these things are true (and I'm open to discussion on the matter), then why do I find myself in the throes of an involuntary midlife reinvention? Isn't 'involuntary reinvention' a contradiction in terms?

Perhaps it is. However, I'm discovering that, although the conditions of my migration away from my latest entrepreneurial venture may not be entirely voluntary, the movement toward personal reinvention is becoming increasingly more so. Whatever lapses in judgment led me to market midlife insights to people who largely preferred (or, for some psychological and emotional needs, needed) to stay fixed in denial, it was ultimately a good thing to recognize that paying my bills trumped providing quality intellectual products without remuneration — particularly under current market conditions. So, although closing down my internet marketing business was not wholly voluntary, nonetheless it wasn't involuntary, either. The ability to read the handwriting on the wall is, after all, one of the hallmarks of the spiritual life strategy I call 'discernment'.

Five Stages of Midlife Transition

This promises to be a very personal article: personal rather than theoretical. Last Monday the movers came, I guided them as they filled up their truck (and emptied our long-held storage bin), and, separately, we headed to Washington, DC. I arrived there first (on Monday evening). They were to follow and land at our 12-story, brick-faced residence's loading dock on Tuesday morning. We spent Monday night in our empty bedroom comfortably enough on a queen-sized Aero Bed. In the morning, I set up our new coffee makers (first things first) and dug out the plastic plates, bowls, and utensils I had brought with me in the car. After breakfast, Craig decided to go in to work early and leave at noon time, because we weren't expecting the movers until 11:00 AM. I wasn't alone a half an hour when sirens started blaring down below our front windows on Massachusetts Avenue. They were very loud even for the city, and even from nine stories up.

To properly appreciate what happened next, you have to understand that Craig lived in DC for almost 20 years before we sold his condo ten years ago. He's from South Carolina and, whenever relatives or friends would come to visit, he was always able to find some diplomatic entourage or other passing through, so that he could tell his guests, "Oh, look! There goes the president's motorcade!" That way, every visitor got to 'see' the president!

Now, back to the sirens and me at the window above Massachusetts Avenue. First there were a half a dozen motorcycle cops, lights flashing and sirens blaring; then came four or five DC police cars, then a big black SUV with tinted windows or two, followed by two big black limousines, and then came another big black SUV — this one with antennas sticking out all over — then more big black SUVs, and more DC cruisers with lights flashing and sirens blaring. It couldn't be, could it? My first morning in DC, and not a stick of furniture in the apartment, and President Obama passed underneath my front window. Talk about auspicious beginnings! Just to make sure, I called Craig at work and described the scene. "Yup!" he said, "that really was the president's motorcade!"

I'd like to say that the rest of the week continued with that level of excitement, but it did not. As a matter of fact, it's not been an easy week at all, and that's given me a deepened appreciation for what guys in midlife are experiencing all around me right now. Transitions — both the pleasant ones and the not-so-pleasant ones — are most often tough.

Can We Talk?

Yes, if you've ever in your life seen a Joan Rivers routine, you've certainly heard "Can we talk?" The question I'd like to ask the midlife world today is, "OK . . . can we???"

Last Thursday night's guest on my internet radio program was relationship expert, Kathleen Sims, and she talked about the sorts of things that go to make up a successful relationship, especially at midlife. She was very willing to go beyond the kinds of hype that other relationship gurus seem to be using (the kind of promotion that says, "We guarantee that if you follow our easy 3-step program, your relationship will achieve instant perfection!"). We talked about how, as relationships mature, the challenges actually deepen.

In this context, she revealed a startling bit of personal experience: as part of the mentoring that she provides to couples, she has several times offered workshops on communication. Remarkably, she has had little success convincing people to attend. Both she and I have had similar experiences: in general, people seems reluctant to handle the basic fundamental things that are required to create the life that they want. This can be a devastating deficiency at midlife: failing to take care of yourself properly can catapult you into a crisis situation that has the potential to destroy your career, your relationship(s) and/or your health unnecessarily. So . . . can we talk?