"Life," they say "begins at 40." In so many ways, 'they' got it right for a change! Regardless of how we might be feeling about it inside, by age 40, the world is ready to take us seriously. We have achieved a degree of success, and everyone around us is prepared to take us seriously. By 40, we're firmly ensconced in 'adulthood' and we've had at least some opportunity to wield a power and authority that we only dreamed of when we were adolescents. I have to say 'regardless of how we might feel' because secretly every adult retains some of that sense of the 'little child in the big world' and the 'terrified teen' inside an often very competent adult exterior. If you haven't figured it out by now, let me assure you that it takes a long time to 'finally, really, truly grow up.'
Whether or not you're ready for it, midlife also marks your shift from the sidelines to mid-field in the game of life. If you were very fortunate in your early years, you may have been spared from having to deal with what I'm choosing to call the "ten terrible transitions." Few people are given the burden of having to endure all ten; however, most people have to endure most of them, and, the longer you live, the higher the statistical probability that it's going to be your turn to face each them. Of the ten terrible transitions, nine of them generally happen at midlife. The longer you've been able to avoid having to endure them, the closer they're coming to you — at least the ones that you're destined to have to endure. Let's look at them.
The ten terrible transitions are: 1) death of a loved one, 2) becoming committed, 3) breaking up, 4) changing careers, 5) going into business, 6) retirement, 7) bankruptcy, 8) serious illness or accident, 9) spiritual awakening, and 10) embracing sexual identity (lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered). Of the ten transitions that are going to happen to you, chances are that only the last one (embracing your sexual identity) is statistically more likely to occur before midlife. For all the rest, the longer you live, the higher the probability arises that you're going to be experiencing some of them soon. The reason why I call these ten the 'terrible transitions' (although not all of them are tragic) has to do with a concept that physicists call 'catastrophe theory.' In physics, at least, a catastrophe isn't necessarily catastrophic. Let me explain.
Catastrophe theory explains how the universe goes through series of permanent transitions. Think of a log floating on the water behind a large dam. Imagine a flood causing the water to back up behind the dam, rising slowly. In physical theory, the log is said to be gaining potential energy. The water level may rise and fall, and the log may gain and lose its potential energy. Then the water overflows, carrying the log with it over the top of the dam. Once the log has crossed the top of the dam and fallen down the other side, it has lost it's potential energy permanently. In physics, that's a catastrophic change. The log cannot return to a higher level of potential energy: it has passed the point of no return.
Each of the ten terrible transitions are serious because they represent a catastrophic change in a person's life to the extent that life will never be able to return to 'normal' ever afterward. These are truly life-altering events. Remember what Tony sings in West Side Story: "I just met a girl named Maria; and suddenly that name will never mean the same to me"? No wonder midlife can be awe-inspiring. When you enter fully into midlife, you have come to ground zero for your share of the ten terrible transitions. Should you be afraid? The answer to that question depends on your physical, mental, emotional and physical strength. Regardless of whether your experience brings you sadness or joy (or a combination of the two), you can be certain that it will bring you stress. At the same time, the skill with which you handle the stresses of these transitions will say a good deal about your level of personal maturity.
One great truth about the ten terrible transitions: no one can go through them for you. You are (or will be) ultimately on your own. However much those around you are affected by what you're going through, you're the one who will be forever changed by each event. Can't you change your mind with at least some of these events? Can't you close your business or end your relationship, for example? Yes you can . . . but only by enduring yet another of the terrible transitions, for example: career change or breaking up. In each case, circumstances force you to call upon your inner strength (sometimes to what seems like the breaking point), and in each case life demands that you reevaluate where you are on your life path and where you're headed. Mind you, where you're headed is not always the same as where you want to go!
Does becoming aware of being at statistical ground zero change things for you? Does it raise your awareness of how critical it is to be able to master the tools of the midlife transition now? It's impossible for any of us to see into the future and to be able to predict which of the ten terrible transitions will be our personal lot. One thing I know for certain: each one of them is an opportunity that life gives us to grow. Whether or not we accept and embrace that opportunity is entirely up to us. We can take comfort in this, at least: that even if we fail to take advantage of these catastrophic growth opportunities that live presents us with, so long as we're alive, somewhere along the line, we'll get another chance to get it right. My hope and prayer for you is that you do the necessary midlife work now, so that when the time comes for you to face one of these life-altering events, you will be ready and you will not fail.
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown
Thanks Les. Great reframe on the 'ten terrible transitions.' A small shift in perspective can make a huge difference to how one feels and handles a life 'crisis.'
Keep up the great work.
Posted by: Colin Hiles ~ Midlife Maverick | October 11, 2009 at 12:21 PM