So you think you're all grown up, do you? You might want to think again! If you haven't navigated your way successfully through the midlife transition to full (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) maturity, then you're not 'all grown up' . . . yet. There's no shame in growing, mind you. As a matter of fact, that's what life is all about: becoming. The only time that someone can truthfully say that you've 'made it' is after you're dead. Then, there's no more becoming to be done. You'll be finished, in every sense of that term. If you're not 'all grown up' yet, don't fret. Wear it as a badge of honor that, as the saying goes, "God isn't finished with me yet."
Whether you're 15 or 50, you've got some growing to do. Yet most people who are reading these words are unaware that there exists a huge obstacle to your growth that you're just taking for granted. In fact, if you're like most people, you probably think that this major obstacle to growth belongs there: it seems like that's the way things are supposed to be. What could it be that's slowing or stopping your progress, and yet you just accept it as 'normal'? It's your culture. You can think of your culture as the lens through which you view yourself and the world. Or, as sociologist Geert Hofstede describes it, it's the mental 'operating system' that underlies the functioning of your reason and your judgment. Culture consists, in fact, of the unconscious assumptions that you make about how life in this world ought to function. The sad truth is that, for most people, culture stands in your way, however: so long as you don't confront your cultural assumptions, you're powerless to grow beyond them.
Every group is a system, and every system has a specific culture (an 'operating system' of assumptions about how that system works). Whether or not you're aware of it, you live in a world of cultural diversity. Since you belong to a number of different groups simultaneously, the various cultures of those groups overlap one another — more or less peacefully — like overlapping circles, with you as the common element in all of them. Your groups (and cultures) include your family, your neighborhood, your community, your state, your nation, your religion, your ethnicity, your age group, your workplace, the organizations that you belong to, and on and on. When these overlap peacefully, it's because they share certain cultural points of view.
Some people call these points of view 'cultural values,' but not all of them are genuine 'values' at all. They may not be truly conducive to your personal, social, ethical or spiritual growth. In fact, very often, cultural viewpoints can be decidedly unethical. Ironically, when you're in a certain culture, even unethical standards seem 'right' because you share them with all the other members of your group. Bigotry is one perspective of that a number of cultural groups share and, to those groups, bigotry seems not only logical, but also virtuous. Just because an assumption has been adopted as a cultural norm, doesn't make it right.
Obviously, bigotry in all its forms (religious, ethnic, political, racial, sexual, etc.) can generally be recognized as what it is (by those not in its clutches). You may think that's an extreme example. There are cultural norms that are not so obvious, but which, over time, can also prove to be crippling. In our own Western culture, one crippling cultural assumption that can actually block your growth is an exaggerated individualism. I invite you to think of individualism not as something obviously valuable, but as one extreme of a scale that stretches from extreme individuation (isolation) all the way to communitarianism. At one end, only the individual exists and has importance; groups are just loose associations of individuals defined by and for their members. At the other extreme, only the group exists, and each individual's purpose and role is defined by and for membership in the group. These are cultural extremes, although they exist at opposite ends of one cultural scale. You can quickly see that 'individualism' describes Western (our) culture; while 'communitarianism' applies to a greater or lesser degree to many Asian cultures. Which one is right? Neither! However, if you aren't aware of where you (and your culture) stand on the scale, you'll remain powerless over it.
When scientifically measured, it's fascinating to realize that, in this aspect, our Western culture lacks moderation. It exists at the extreme end of 'individuation' scale. There are no major cultures on earth outside our own where individuality holds such high importance. That's one reason, according to Lalei Gutierrez and her husband, Phil Belzunce (recent guests on my internet radio program), that the United States holds such attraction for so many Asian people: it's the one place where they can go to discover who they really, truly are, apart from the cultural groups that have so strongly defined them. Lalei mentioned that in her native Philippines, 'you' do not exist. There is no 'you' apart from your family. In the West, Filipinos and Filipinas come to the United States hungry to discover their identity as individuals. In doing so, they do not leave their Filipino culture behind, rather they're seeking to broaden and enhance it.
For us who are native to this culture, the story (and the issue) presents itself quite differently. Everything we honor and value celebrates our individuality. Here are some specific characteristics of our individualistic culture (adapted from Geert Hofstede, Cultures and Organizations: Software of the Mind) You look after yourself and your immediate (nuclear) family only. You derive your sense of 'self' from your own capabilities and achievements. From infancy, you think of 'I' rather than 'we'. Doing wrong leads to feelings of guilt and loss of self-respect, rather than shame and loss of face. Education teaches you how to learn rather than how to do. Your employment is a contract, rather than a social bond. You're hired and promoted according to rules and based on your skills, rather than on what social group you belong to. What you do is more important than whom you do it with. For us, these things seem self-evident. For most Asians, those statements are counter-intuitive. At both extremes of the scale, we find serious issues.
Over the past century, our culture has moved farther and farther away from group-centeredness (your family, your neighborhood, your religious and ethnic peers) and more toward isolationism. One casualty in this cultural drift has been the Western family. It is true that the family is in trouble, but not for the reasons that many people may think. Those who are most combative in the current 'culture wars' are certainly fighting for their own cultural interpretation of life in these United States, but keep in mind that there are, according to Hofstede, five cultural scales. Although individualization may be the cause of the breakdown of the nuclear family, it's the one cultural value all of us in the West can agree on, so we don't recognize its causal influence and look to other cultural difference as the cause. The more we encourage individualism, the more we further the breakdown of the social group (including the family), often in the name of saving it! What effect does an exaggerated individualism have on your personal growth?
For one thing, it deprives you of context. The meaning that we give to things and events in our lives derives primarily from the context in which we live, the same way words derive their meanings in contrast to the meanings of similar words. When we're deprived of context, we humans tend to give things and events random and arbitrary meanings. Like Humpty Dumpty in Through the Looking Glass, words tend to mean exactly what we want them to mean, nothing more and nothing less. Deprived of context, we tend to ascribe cause where no cause exists, and blame where it doesn't belong, like believing that lack of closeness in the family derives from lack of prayer in public schools rather than from that attitude that doing things together as a family (like meal times) is inconvenient for the individuals involved. You tend to think of loneliness and depression as maladaptive behavior in yourself rather than as a consequence of the disconnection from others, and the consequent lack of care and concern for others, that your culture demands.
And, at midlife, individualization leads directly to a kind of powerlessness, especially among men, where individualization as a value has been honed to a fine art. Men must not admit weakness. Men must not ask for help. Men must not share with others their feelings or inner struggles. Men must not be vulnerable. All of these deadly attitudes are a direct result of our cultural obsession with exaggerated individualization. Our culture's unreasonable expectations may be focused on men, but neither sex is completely free of its stultifying effects.
In your own life, take a look at how you manage a few simple interactions (since individualization is fundamentally a relationship issue). First, how often and how easily do you ask for help? Does it come naturally? Are you comfortable doing it? How far do you go to avoid it? Next, how do you give or receive complements? Although you'd think that being complemented would be a recognition of your achievement as an individual, it is rather a stark reminder of your vulnerability in relationships. The more individualized you have become, the harder it is for you to complement or to be complemented. Next, how often do you use the words, 'have to,' 'got to,' 'need to,' etc.? These are words that pretend to be polite excuses, whereas they're really masks behind which you hide your self-interest. A more relational person won't mind saying the truth: "I want to." Likewise, and finally, how often do you use the word 'can't'? Again, it's an excuse so that you won't need to recognize your social connectedness. What you really mean, but decline to say so, is 'I won't!'
How does all this stunt your growth as a mature individual? The answer is clear so long as you keep in mind that navigating the midlife transition from self-absorbed adulthood to other-centered maturity involves a relational process. You can't (not because you don't want to, but because it's not emotionally or spiritually possible) make this transition alone. Yes, you have to make all the critical decisions along the way, but unless you've developed the capacity to be vulnerable, to share with others what's going on with you, to ask for help, and to offer genuine gratitude and apology, you'll lack both the courage and the context to make — and to stick to — the tough decisions. Look around you at those whom you know who are stuck and struggling. Can you now see how, in most cases, their growth is being stunted by their cultural assumptions? Now, what about you? What cultural changes (changes in attitude and assumptions) do you need to make to put your own growth back on the fast track? And whom are you going to ask for help to do it?
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown
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