Midlife Mastery Journal

The Great Responsibility Escape

Regardless of when it starts, midlife provides fertile ground for the crop of life's escapist excuses to take root and flourish. They say that aging isn't for wimps, but it hits all of us alike: from the wusses among us to the bold and beautiful. At midlife, the challenges of aging (the physical, mental, and emotional changes that we all must endure) start to make their presence known such that we can no longer pretend that they're not really happening to us. It's also then that we start to discover those handy excuses that we think will get us off the hook and keep us doing whatever it is that we want to do, disregarding the consequences.

Here . . . I'll start your favorite excuse for you: "I'm really sorry, but I just can't! I'm too [fill in the blank]." And here are some words that you can use to fill that blank: "tired," "busy," "out of shape," "out of practice", and the favorite of all, "old for that sort of thing." You can always top it off with, "Besides, my [fill in the blank] hurts." The dirty little secret that we all pretend that nobody knows about comes down to this: transitioning through middle age brings with it all kinds of convenient excuses for not doing whatever it is that we'd rather not do. In every instance (short of actual physical disability), we could — and should — replace the word "can't" with the more honest word: "won't."

Tell Me, What Does It All Mean?

Would you like to know what the essence and the root cause of the midlife crisis is? Would you like me to let you in on the Big Secret? Actually, it's not really a secret at all, but it is BIG. The infamous midlife crisis is nothing more (and nothing less) than a crisis in meaning. My personal background includes a lot of time spent researching Western philosophy and theology. From the outset, I've been consumed by a curiosity to know, "What does it all mean?" Like it or not, accept it or reject it, embrace it or run from it, that's what makes the midlife transition so life-shattering: it brings you face to face with the Question of all questions.

Not everyone can look this question dead-on in the eye and face the answer that emerges from the darkness and confusion. After all, by the time this question emerges, decades of life have already passed full of comfortable assumptions. You've assumed you knew where you came from, where you are, and where you're going. Yet, once the Question steps up and stares you in the face, all other bets are off. What seemed like a rock-solid foundation you could stand on with confidence and security suddenly reveals itself as quicksand masquerading as solid ground. Having the courage to ask, "What does it all mean?" does more than take you to a deeper level of understanding; it signals a paradigm shift of huge proportions.

When Your Well Runs Dry

Just handling the obligations of being a successful man in today's world and facing today's economy takes a lot of energy. Facing and managing your midlife transition can be a huge energy drain on top of the energy you're already expending just to keep your head above water. What happens when you get to the point where there's just no energy left in there to give? What do you do when your well runs dry?

Most likely, you handle a lack of energy (or lack of sufficient energy to do everything) by cutting back. What you decide to cut back on depends on your priorities and, in their turn, your priorities depend on your values. If you're like most people, your highest value will be maintaining financial security. Almost any other fear will most likely take a back seat to the rear of economic insecurity. If you wonder about this, just ask yourself how well you maintain your personal health regime and your quality family time when your busininess or career obligations call.

Midlife Is the Antidote

In 1980, singer Grace Jones released her version of the song, "Love is the Drug" and it soon became a hit on the disco circuit. It's true: though we don't always think about it in those terms, love is a very potent drug. Who doesn't love being high on love? To be sure, though, it's not the only drug that successful men (and women) get themselves involved in. Work gives love a run for its money almost any day. After all, it's a lot easier to get hooked on work, and it's a lot harder to build up a tolerance to it. Then, of course, we mustn't forget exercise and sports (both playing and watching) and, while we're on the subject, TV and the internet, too. You've got to face it: the life of a successful man can be a trip from one high to the next, day after day.

Once you add to this mix caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, prescription and illegal drugs (whether they're used occasionally or not-so-occasionally), the picture of the guy you see in the mirror may be fogging up a little. "But wait!" you may say. "How dare you put love, work, exercise, and entertainment in the same category as all these other things?" I'll be more than happy to give you two simple reasons for my decision: 1) you can easily develop a dependency on any one or all of these things; and 2) they can all be used to serve the exact same purpose — to keep you from really feeling your feelings.

How Much Are You Leaving Behind?

One of the 'features' of entering into the midlife transition happens to be the dawning realization of just how tenuous our connection to this plane of existence really is. I fondly remember evenings as a student in Ottawa, Ontario spent at the Colonel Bye lounge enjoying the comedy of entertainer Jack McPartland. More than once, I'd stay until the end of his set. He'd always end the same way: with the recitation of a poem called "The Indispensable Man," yet it means much more to me now than it ever did then. Here it is for your edification:

Sometime when you're feeling important, sometime when your ego's in bloom,
Sometime when you feel that you must be the most important one in the room,
Take a bucket and fill it with water, put your hand in it up to your wrist,
Pull it out and the hole that's remaining is the measure of how you'll be missed.

You can splash all you want as you enter, you can stir up the water galore,
Pull it out and its really amazing, the hole is remaining no more.
The moral of my story is simple, do the best at whatever you can,
But always be sure to remember, there's no indispensable man.

The Arts Are a Waste of Time

This is an era of ever-tightening budgets and precarious performance in students' basic skills. It's an era of 'No Child Left Behind', although very many still are. Many inner-city schools are in disrepair, school supplies are hard to come by, and teachers are generally ridiculously under-paid (and often have to donate classroom supplies out of their own pockets). When push comes to shove, the school budgets get pared down along with nearly everything else. What does that say about us?

Actually, the state of education in the US bears eloquent testimony to our practical values. I say 'practical values' to distinguish them from our 'theoretical values', which are far different. Theoretically, we value hard work, education, moral rectitude, the flag, mom, and apple pie. In practice, we value entertainment. That's what we spend most of our thoughts, time, and wealth on. Entertainment heads up this list of our practical national values because that's what we worry most about.